Four Reasons I Would Be An Unfit Parent

I was in Wal-Mart today, buyin' lightbulbs, and there was this kid in front of me tugging on his mom's skirt (not hard enough unfortunately, she was a 6/drunk 8) about some toy thing in the checkout line. It dawned on me at that moment, that I would be a terrible parent. I'm not sure why this struck me then, because nothing actually happened, but I spent the rest of the day pondering it. I also pondered other things, like what would happen if I ate a bottle of alka seltzer tablets and drank a bottle of coke. I think I'm gonna try that.

Anyways, here are 4 reasons I would be an awful parent:

Reason Number One: I wouldn't feed them.

Life is tough. There comes a time when everyone has to fend for themselves, when the nuturing shelter of your family no longer reaches you. This time would come quickly for my offspring. I figure the sooner the better, right? Plus it'd be hilarious to watch a 4 year old hunt squirrels with a crossbow in the backyard.

You're food. 

Reason Number Two: I'd spend their college money on cars. 

I have an addiciton. I spend too much money on cars. It could be worse, the reason could be "I'd spend their college money on mail-order Russian brides and they'd have 15 mothers/sex slaves". Try explaining THAT to their teachers. Anyways, I'd probably save up the money for their education, but eventually I'd have to let them know that their future was spent building an AWESOME ride. For me. Kind of goes back to the whole "fend for yourself" thing, except they'd spend half their lives assuming they'd have a future. SURPRISE! Mc Donald's for life bitch.

You could have been a doctor, but daddy needed a Supra. 

Reason Number Three: I'd get bored of them. 

Kids are boring. They eat, they sleep, they poop, they take your money. You can't play fetch with them, or train them to listen to you without argument. I have a short attention span. I feel like by the time they outgrew their cuteness, I'd be ready to move on. Start fresh. Problem is, you're stuck with them. I'd likely come up with some ingenious plot to get rid of them though.

Relax, asian baby Mike, in 27 hours you'll be in Shanghai. Here's $50 for a cab.

Reason Number Four: I'd forget about them.

Yeah these are all kind of the same, but deal with it. I'm a forgetful fella, and frankly I feel like at times I'd forget I even have a child. You know, I'd be at Wal-Mart watching some kid tug on his semi-hot mom's skirt, wishing he'd pull a little harder, and... wait... do I have a kid? 

Meh.

That's all I've got

Written while listening to this