An obscure number of reasons why having a penis is amazing - Part One

Here are some things I think make having a penis better than not having a penis, in no particular order. I also will refer to it using a different slang word each time.

4. You get to piss in any direction you want.

This one's my favorite. If you have a vagina, you have to squat, and it sprays out like when you put your finger over the hose. It's incredibly hilarious, but highly inefficient. If you have a dick, you can piss any direction you want, and it's a solid, strong stream of superiority. I have literally pissed in an upward (and slightly forward) direction. Try that with your vagina (please film it). Also, you can write things in snow, and pee on your buddy's shoe while you're at adjacent urinals. THAT'S ANOTHER THING! Urinals. Specifically, urinal cakes. People without a purple-headed-yogurt-slinger don't ever get to experience the joys of urinal cakes.

Delicious, and you can erode them with your pee.

17. You can put it in stuff.

Anything you like, to be specific. The beauty about having a one-eyed snake is that you can put it wherever you want. It hangs, it swings, and it's flexible. Meaning if you ever have an urge to put it into a random household appliance, you can fucking do it. Try doing that with your clitoris, ladies (also film this). From a practical, every day perspective, this isn't much of a benefit, however having the satisfaction of looking at a toaster and knowing that you can stick your shaft in it, is absolutely priceless.

Sorry honey, it's just burning off my pubic hair from this morning's "random insertion hour"

68. You fuck with it. 

Cocks fuck vaginas. It's never the other way around. The simple fact that one is going inside the other, means that the vagina is always getting fucked. This will never be disputed, and there are no arguments. Why? Cause me and my pork sword fucking said so.

There's not really any pictures that support this point, so instead here's a fat spiderman. 

11. You can do the helicopter.

That's right, if you have a wang you can spin it 'round and 'round. Like a helicopter. This is more than entertainment, it's male ritual. A celebration of the glory of having a bologna pony. Rumor also has it, if you wanna impress a chick, do the helicopter-dick (that was one word).

119. It's a portable towel rack.

This one comes in handy all the time. Have you ever gotten out of the shower, and not had anywhere to put your towel while you brush your teeth? Why not leave it on you ask? Because I've got a portable towel rack, right here. All I've gotta do is think about Zooey Deschanel, and bam - my man-muscle is ready to hold that towel! Try doing that with your vagina (please film it). I don't have a picture for this, google images fails to provide me with a related picture, and frankly I'm sort of grateful.


That's all I've got for now.

Written while listening to this