When you take a closer look at cereal mascots... Part One

You discover the sick, twisted truth behind them all.

"But Mike!" You exclaim, as you curl up with your giant stuffed Tony the Tiger, "They're not real!".

This may be true, and I have no argument for that, so I'll pretend like I didn't hear it. Moving along, lets examine these so called "mascots".

Tony the Tiger (Rapist)

Seriously? Do you need a caption here? This guy screams "fucking sicko"

Take a second and look at this guy. Firstly, pay attention to the fact that he's got a bandana tied around his neck. Not only does this tell us that Tony here is linked with the Bloods, but it also is used to cover his face when he's abducting children at the Zoo. Secondly, he rapes kids. Need I say more?


Dig-Um The Smack's Frog (Pedophile)

Look at me! Now I'm here, now i'm over here, and... CHLOROFORM SURPRISE!

This guy here, well... I don't really need to get into much detail. Clearly we have a mid thirties frog, dressing himself like a pre-teen. There's your first clue, all you super sleuths out there. Secondly, everyone fucking hates Kellogg's Smacks. So that's reason enough for this jizzbag to molest children. Lastly, he's a frog, and everyone knows frogs are pedophiles.

Captain Crunch (Sadist)

Little known fact: He not only wrote "Saw", he lived it. 

Oh, Captain Crunch. Where to begin? For starters, this guy clearly has some repressed control issues. He dresses up like a friendly Captain, yet he has no ship, no crew, nothing. What he does have is a friendly, luring smile and a pretty blue uniform. Once he has you, he fucks your mouth. Literally. This guy is all about bringing the pain. One mouthful of his cereal can be compared to chewing a box of tacks and then gargling with lemon juice.

That's all for part one.

Written in silence.