Clusterfuck boredom pineapple cat explosion.

I haven't posted in a while. I'm sure you're all aware of this, and are probably twitching with anticipation, checking the blog every hour, and breaking down into a sobbing mess in a dark corner when you discover I still haven't posted. It's okay, I do the same thing.

I could tell you I haven't posted because I've been busy saving kittens from burning trees, or that I've been having sex with women non-stop for the past two weeks, but the truth is, I've been bored.

Yup, just bored. See, boredom restricts my creative abilities and renders me as useless as a toaster in a knife fight. I'm not remotely interesting. I'm even less interesting when I'm bored.

Then I thought to myself, "Mike, why not bore the readers with tales of your boredom", and then I thought to myself "by golly, you're a fucking genius". True story.

Here's a list of some things that I do when I'm bored, to counteract the boredom.

1. Watch videos of cats.

Cats are highly entertaining. I hate them, with a passion, mostly because they're fucking useless and are selfish furry motherfuckers, but also because they think they're the shit. They jump, all nimbly bimbly, from tree to tree, and they drink milk, and love life. I find it hilarious when they meet the cold hard cock of reality, and it launches them from a cannon, or puts them in the middle of a pack of friendly, bouncing, hyperactive puppies. Cat videos I enjoy are not of the "cute cat eating pineapple" type, they're of the "cute cat gets hit with pineapple".

"GREAT shot Carl! Got that fucker good." 

2. Look at pictures of cats.

Much like the above, I enjoy looking at pictures of unhappy cats placed in situations that their owners believe are cute. Then they put a funny caption on the picture using "lolspeak" or as I like to call it, "future-english". In these pictures the cats are normally very displeased. Like if someone put a pineapple on a cat because they thought it was cute.

Like this.

3. Eat Pineapple.

Pineapple is fucking delicious. I eat it even when i'm not bored.

That's part one. I'm bored of this now, maybe i'll continue it later, but this gets me off the hook for not posting. I bid you adue, and am off to buy some pineapple.

Written while listening to this.

Oh Hey...

Forgot to do my little "Yay two months!".

So, um.. "Yay two months!". I'm 6 days late (heard that one before).

Here's the statz for the past two whole months.

lolz @ nokia

Glad people from all over the world accidentally found themselves here. Makes me feel all important and shit. 

In closing, here is a dog wearing a silly hat.

Smokin'

So I quit smoking. Two days ago to be exact and it sucks, just like I remember it. I'm irritable, but not as bad as  I was last time I quit. This time I bought one of those "E-Cigarettes" all the kids are talking about these days, and it's helping quite a bit. I got the "low" nicotine stuff with it, so I still feel like I did when I was on the patch, except I don't want to kill everything yet. Here are some observations I've made since quitting:

When you quit smoking you regain your full sense of smell and taste shortly after. Today that change started, and I kept a list of things I ate today that tasted different. Here are my top 4:

Coffee

Used to taste like: A euphoric blend of "BAM" and "ZAP" mixed with awesomesauce and topped off with some bland flavouring. Hints of joy can be tasted by the more experienced connoisseur.

Now tastes like: Someone shit in my cup. Hints of tree bark and musty carpet can be tasted by anyone. Tried to drink it three times today, almost threw up over the last one. Holy fucking bold taste. Freight train of columbian sweat all up in my mouth.

Apple Jacks

Used to taste like: Bland apples and milk. A perfectly balanced sensation delivered to my taste buds.

Now tastes like: Artificial apple flavoured ringlets of cheerios that fell on the floor, then dipped in pig shit. No wonder it's "Limited Edition". IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A MASCOT.

Milk

Used to taste like: Bland.

Now tastes like: Bland... with a pinch of AWESOME. This shit is like crack. No homo though.

Tim Horton's Plain Bagel (toasted) With Herb and Garlic Cream Cheese

Used to taste like: Heaven on a bagel. Especially when they toast it lightly enough so it's crispy but still soft on the inside.

Now tastes like: Heaven. On steroids. With Jesus playing the electric guitar and two slutty angels going down on each other on the cloud stage.

I have also determined that weight gain associated with quitting smoking is a myth. The gain is not from nicotine withdrawal, but rather people discovering shit tastes different and then going on binges to discover what food really tastes like.

On top of these most noteworthy changes in my taste, I've also regained my sense of smell. This was not an asset today as my dog and I took a road-trip to Kitchener, and she had brutal gas.

Here are 3 random things that have (or haven't) changed in my day to day life after quitting smoking for 48 hours:

Hulk Boners


Remember a few posts back when I mentioned how awesome it is to have a penis? Remember when I noted that it can be used as a towel rack? Today, I lifted a towel. With my dick. I expect this ability to become easier in the next few weeks, but essentially I can now hand myself a towel... using myself.

It's truly incredible what Google will find for you. 

I Still Can't Run


Today I took my dog to the dog park. We tried to run. I cannot run, and I fear I never will be able to. This may not be a result of smoking, but rather poor genetics, as us Ross' suffer from "flat foot" syndrome, which makes us look like retards special people when we run.

We also tend to wear inappropriate bright coloured shorts while doing so

I Have More Energy


I'm unsure how this is a benefit, as I had trouble using up the energy I already had while smoking. However seeing as I should be studying for a Statistics test tomorrow and am instead writing a blog post, with the intent to resume studying after I'm finished, clearly this is not a good thing.

Dance Rave anyone?

That's all I've got. 

Written while listening to this.

Today I feel like:

Four Reasons I Would Be An Unfit Parent

I was in Wal-Mart today, buyin' lightbulbs, and there was this kid in front of me tugging on his mom's skirt (not hard enough unfortunately, she was a 6/drunk 8) about some toy thing in the checkout line. It dawned on me at that moment, that I would be a terrible parent. I'm not sure why this struck me then, because nothing actually happened, but I spent the rest of the day pondering it. I also pondered other things, like what would happen if I ate a bottle of alka seltzer tablets and drank a bottle of coke. I think I'm gonna try that.

Anyways, here are 4 reasons I would be an awful parent:

Reason Number One: I wouldn't feed them.

Life is tough. There comes a time when everyone has to fend for themselves, when the nuturing shelter of your family no longer reaches you. This time would come quickly for my offspring. I figure the sooner the better, right? Plus it'd be hilarious to watch a 4 year old hunt squirrels with a crossbow in the backyard.

You're food. 

Reason Number Two: I'd spend their college money on cars. 

I have an addiciton. I spend too much money on cars. It could be worse, the reason could be "I'd spend their college money on mail-order Russian brides and they'd have 15 mothers/sex slaves". Try explaining THAT to their teachers. Anyways, I'd probably save up the money for their education, but eventually I'd have to let them know that their future was spent building an AWESOME ride. For me. Kind of goes back to the whole "fend for yourself" thing, except they'd spend half their lives assuming they'd have a future. SURPRISE! Mc Donald's for life bitch.

You could have been a doctor, but daddy needed a Supra. 

Reason Number Three: I'd get bored of them. 

Kids are boring. They eat, they sleep, they poop, they take your money. You can't play fetch with them, or train them to listen to you without argument. I have a short attention span. I feel like by the time they outgrew their cuteness, I'd be ready to move on. Start fresh. Problem is, you're stuck with them. I'd likely come up with some ingenious plot to get rid of them though.

Relax, asian baby Mike, in 27 hours you'll be in Shanghai. Here's $50 for a cab.

Reason Number Four: I'd forget about them.

Yeah these are all kind of the same, but deal with it. I'm a forgetful fella, and frankly I feel like at times I'd forget I even have a child. You know, I'd be at Wal-Mart watching some kid tug on his semi-hot mom's skirt, wishing he'd pull a little harder, and... wait... do I have a kid? 

Meh.

That's all I've got

Written while listening to this

Guff

Guff is the new "gruff" which was the new "grrr".

So, I'm going to take this time to fill everyone in on what's been going on in my life. Seeing as most of my recent posts have been of the "article" variety, I feel a change is due.

I'm going to be a foster daddy. A single parent. I'm fostering a dog. Initially, this was going to be a lab cross that was previously living on an immigrant camp and only understood spanish. While I was looking forward to the shenanigans of owning a strange dog that didn't speak english, turns out he got taken in by a lab rescue group or some shit. Better that way I guess. Anyways, my new foster child is an 8 month old black lab pup with no tail. Poor thing woulda been euthanized this Friday. I feel there will be a love triangle between myself, this dog, and Atticus. Time will tell. Stay tuned.

In other news, I have returned to my roots of spending the winter being an anti-social car geek. I rented a shop (read: small ass storage unit), and while its crowded, it does the trick.

Fuck this post isn't funny at all is it? God I've become that boring blogger person. Ummm.. Quick save...

Yeah i've got nothing. Deal with it. No pictures either.

I didn't even listen to anything while writing this. What have I become?

Movember

Yeah, I'm doing it. Not just so I can offer moustache rides to strangers (NEVER accept a moustache ride from strangers, kids) but because a close family friend has been diagnosed with prostate cancer recently, and I know personally I've never been checked because I don't want two fingers shoved up my ass. BUT, this is a real threat to our man-junk fellas, so I encourage you to willingly request to be probed in your rectum ASAP, as I will be doing the same. I'll update here as my man-stache develops.

Plus, I'll get mad play from the bitches. 

OH, and yeah, i'm doing this legit. Made an account and everything. They wouldn't let me use "iammikeross'prostate" though. Lame.

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