Thoughts on life

Let me begin by saying in no way am I an expert on life, or even a remotely good source of life advice. This one is going to be a bit philosophical, even "deep" if you want to go that far. Just a warning.

Life is like a spiralling roller coaster with a Boeing jet engine strapped to the back and a blind deaf quadriplegic at the helm. Nothing stops this monstrous fuckrocket from moving, despite how unfair you proclaim it to be.

This time last year, I lived a completely different life. Literally everything has changed in one short year, and I've come full circle in my outlook and overall mentality. January 2011, I had a full-time, well paying job, steady girlfriend, secure financial situation, and a thriving social life. Life was good, I would even call it spanky. Spanky is a good word. It sits in between fantastic and un-fucking real.

Suddenly, without any warning, during the summer shit got real. In a matter of 3 months I went from living a peaceful, promising life, with my free time consumed with exciting events and activities, to finding my nights consisting of sitting in my boxers on a shitty ikea futon 200kms from home in a mediocre apartment watching re-runs of friends and eating salad bowls of raisin bran.

This sad, comical life continued for several months, before one night I took a look at myself, covered in bran flakes giggling at Ross' uncomfortable quips, and I realised three things:

1. If left alone, this comical life would continue into my forty's.

2. The cold hard cock of life was dry fucking the shit out of me.

3. There are serious repercussions to eating obscene amounts of bran.

At that moment, I decided to turn shit around. It worked, surprisingly.

Now, here's where shit gets real. I'm sure you've heard people tell you "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I'm here to tell you that's a fucking lie. Making lemonade will do nothing for you. Nobody even likes lemonade anymore, unless it's got vodka in it. You've gotta go further with it.

Lets see if you can make sense of the following metaphor:

Here's what you've gotta do. Take those lemons that life gives you, grind them up, and make them into muffins. Put some poppyseeds on them too (I had a lemon muffin with poppyseeds on it once and I literally figuratively blacked out in a fit of joy). Take the muffins, make a nice decorative basket for them, and take them with you to your car. Drive to the closest forest. Take the muffin basket, and swiftly punt it directly at the forest critters. Get back in your car, and back over a raccoon, just for effect.

What am I getting at here? It's really quite simple. One hour after reading this post, on your way to get a lemon poppyseed muffin, you could be struck by a dump truck. Clean out of nowhere, BAM. Dead. You could alternatively eat the muffin, choke on it, and die. You could be in the lineup at starbucks, in the middle of ordering your lemon poppyseed muffin, and drop dead from a brain aneurysm.

Point being, there's nothing you can do about life's curve balls. You can't change things out of your control, and giving any bit of a fuck about them is a waste of time. If life drops a giant rapist grizzly bear with a lust for sodomy in your way, you take a detour. Go around the fucking bear.

GO AROUND THE FUCKING BEAR.

At any given point, our time can end. Stop wasting time worrying about the small stuff, and stop letting the big stuff hold you back.

I'm done.