Decisions..

I have a history of making painstakingly obvious poor decisions. It's etched into my past and then highlighted over and over. No matter how much I try, at the end of the day poor judgement plays it's role in allowing my patterns to continue.

This would bother most people, however I've come to accept it as a concequence of being myself. It's not like I want to be like this; it's just the way it has to be.

More to the point of all this, I've done things that I'm not proud of. Lots of them. All these actions somehow find their way into the mouths and ears of people whom have a direct emotional conflict of interest. It's sort of a curse in a way, because no matter how many times it happens, or how many times it hurts someone, it never stops happening. This post is very depressing so far -  but keep reading.

All of these poor decisions have brought on unsurpassable benefits. Things I never would have imagined would come from a thoughtless decision. Directly or indirectly, every one of them has led me down a bright path. For this reason, I regret nothing. All of my future decisions will continue to be of good intentions and poor judgement, and will continue to shape and mold who I am into someone I strive to be. I will never change my ways, no matter the difficulties I encounter - I know that in the end, this will all work out just fucking dandy.

The lesson from all of this? Well, if you're like me it's pretty obvious. The good comes with the bad which comes with the brutal. It all works out and you're going to piss the world off, but that's just the way it needs to be. If you're more prone to making good decisions, well I'd suggest you start acting on some of those impulses. Throw your judgement out the window, and once in a while do something people criticize you for. Those people just haven't learned yet.

One love.

"Then you'll be stoned in some park, just nodding your head and pinching your arms,when a girl walks along.She's humming your song,with your t-shirt on.That's when you're done, oh that's when you're done."

The above lyrics struck me on the bus today. Every day I fall in love. 

Not in a creepy way, but you might take it that way. I just mean in a strictly situational sense. There's that moment in every day where - for that moment - I'm in love. Not always based on looks either. It could be something they say, or something they do. I've always been a people-watcher, so I'm constantly noticing little things. I guess it makes sense. 

There are times it's the perfect remedy for a shitty day too. It's a little boost, a reminder that there are people out there who can make you feel awesome without even doing anything.

I've been watching Californication a lot lately, and aside from the obvious entertainment such a show brings, I'm into it for deeper reasons too. Somehow I relate to the main character. I don't mean admire either - that's tough not to do - I mean I relate in the sense that I find similarities in situations and reactions. Obviously the script embellishes the true personality such a person would have, but the core traits are there, and I see them. 

It makes me wonder who I'll be in a few years. Given the current patterns, I may very well be that jaded. Not to mention my weakness to the opposite sex. I mean that's a big one too. 

Following up on my last post, I enjoy this newfound self awareness. It's remarkable what kind of changes you can force yourself to make when you realize your flaws.

Till next time.

Contradictions.

So, it's been a while. I won't apologize for it, because fuck you. Much has changed during my hiatus, I've moved to Toronto, and ended up in one of those sea of cubicles.

After work today I went to Winners (because I'm still poor) and I realized some things about myself. It's weird how small interactions with people can trigger massive realizations and epiphanies. As I shopped for my business-douche clothes, I kept getting in the way of one particular guy there. It wasn't intentional, I guess we had similar taste. However he kept glaring whenever we'd cross paths. It didn't bug me really, but it sort of brought my immense hatred for rude people to the front of my mind. I don't like confrontational people. It may seem odd to say if you actually know me, as I've had my fair share of asshole rage moments. The realization of the above contradiction really stuck with me though, and as I stood in line listening to the little asian ladies cooing over shoe polish behind me, I started to realize what a massive walking contradiction I am. 

The more I thought about it, the larger the list grew, and various contradictions within myself came to light. See, my whole life I've struggled with love/hate relationships. Girlfriends, career paths, food, cities I've lived in, self image, porn. It all kind of makes sense now though, and really, it just makes for an unpredictable life. I have absolutely no idea what direction I'll end up in. For example, I love my new job, however part of me would rather see myself working with my hands, in some garage somewhere making average money and living an average life. Another other part wants the business-douche within to rise up and take over, granting me access to cocaine addictions, BMW's, and slutty secretaries. Family-Mike wants kids, a stable relationship, and a white picket fence around my dick. It's actually amusing how torn I am over almost every aspect of my life. In the past, it was a negative thing. I despised my indecisiveness. Now, I'm pretty cool with it. 

Following the same lines, you may have noticed that this really isn't my typical writing style. You know, referring to feelings and serious life shit. But that's another confliction I've always had. My personality itself is almost split, between comical carefree crass Mike, and the more serious side I have. I actually started another blog to allow that part of me to come out in my writing. Don't bother looking, it's deleted. I've decided to write whatever the hell I feel like. No themes or standards to hold myself to, just pure unadulterated Mike Ross. 

Exciting, no?